Have You Ever Been in Love So Much It Hurts?

I am, and it isn’t easy. It is both the best and the worst. I can barely live with it and wouldn’t want to live without it.

This love inhabits my body head to toe with such energy that I feel like I am expanding, pressing against my skin from the inside.

My mind is particularly insane. I have a huge background in NLP and mindful spirituality. These disciplines make it possible to count my thoughts. I have five of her for each one I have of myself.

The Insecure parts of me rebel. They suggest that I will die if this onslaught of thoughts of her continues.

Surely this is addiction, but at the same time I am more present, clear and creative than ever.

Have you been trapped like this? Caught in the web of your dreams coming true?

I can’t find what I used to call life. Any song comes on the radio and I swoon. She clears her throat over the phone and I approach orgasm. Each thought of her is accompanied by weakness in both my knees and thighs. I am continually nauseous.

But in the next moment I hop on my road bike and peddle non-stop for 30 miles, through the North Georgia mountains, averaging 15 mph.

At 61, I ought to know better. But at 61 I am finally ready for this much energy and this much love.

When I initially met her over the phone, I knew my world had been turned upside down. From my spiritual transformations, I knew that upside down is often followed by inside out.

We talked on the phone 3-5 hours each day for two months. I charge 200 dollars an hour for phone coaching. She was wracking up quite a bill and I felt indebted.

All of my perceptions changed.The ten year old maple tree in front of the house became more vivid, alive and inviting. It and everything else represented her, and me, and us.

I moved into Our World.

Finally we met. We met halfway – a five hour drive each. I am always early. She seldom is. A perfect fit.

Whole foods in Nashville, TN. My favorite place in the world. I had eaten there a year before at the Nashville Film Festival where a film I named: “Black, White and Blues” previewed.

We were on the phone. It was cool in February. I was warmed with anticipation. Her black Mazda with her on the phone, five quick long steps and I tapped on the window indicating she should unlock the door.

She did. I hopped in and we kissed. Then again and the third time for much longer. In the middle of a busy street. In the middle of our wonderful lives we began our first date. Four days of the greatest intimacy I have ever known.

We just had our fourth date two long weeks ago. Our third date was ten days which we extended to twenty.

I now think of her perhaps 15 to 1 over myself. My knees are way weaker and stronger too.

We have both had the greatest pleasure of our lives. Words don’t express our ecstasy or fear or joy as we waltz and run and dance into uncharted terrain.

I used to have a fantasy about a “happily ever after” relationship. It has become obvious that ecstatic right now is how unconditional love reveals itself.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

brian vincent July 12, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Beautifully said for all of us… can’t stop smiling.


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